Please bear in mind that it has yet to be professionally edited, so please excuse any grammar, typos or toehr errors.
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
Introduction: The Truth Has Made Me Free
When he kissed me, something deep down inside was torn out of me. I wanted to scream, cry and yet dance with ecstasy. What on earth or heavens was happening to me? It was torture and ecstasy all at the same time.
I was forty-six years old and had not realised that I had been almost dead before this event. It was to lead on to not only one, but two disastrous affairs. It was my sexual awakening and the beginning of the rest of my life. Now in my forties, I wanted to live with abandonment and a feeling of invincibility, the girl inside had been let loose at last.
The light inside had been hidden under a bushel for too long. From that moment on I was on a brand new track, which was to prove painful. It included major loss, heartbreak and loss of confidence.
But the uphill climb was to be worth it for the view. I reached higher pinnacles than I could ever have visualised in my later life.
And life after that led me to learn at last that I was good enough and that I was able to be a shining beacon in my own right, without the approval of anyone else.
Most of all I have managed to break a chain that has been handed down through at least three generations of narcissism. I could never tell my Mother anything without it coming back to it being all about her and her needs.
It also opens the eyes of the reader and listener of how Narcissistic churches and movements, can hurt and abuse the mind, body and soul. Time after time when I was among them or needed support I was told that my issues were something that I needed to sort out and it was probably connected with my faith issues anyway.
When you read this, I will have most certainly moved on yet again. This is what now makes my life so exciting. It is not static, and I am ageing with the vital force still alive within me. I am still vital and will be until the day I die. Then I hope that my spirit will still be around to inspire and give hope, grace and love to those I leave behind.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves; “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Marianne Williamson.
This quote from Marianne Williamson’s book A Return to Love sums up what my book is about. It is a true story of a woman whose life was lived in the shadow of fear, ignoring her greatness and light.
I lived in fear of not doing the right thing because of dire consequences. The threat of going to Hell if I did not behave in ways that pleased others. Unfortunately, the others around me were also living in fear, and many readers will identify with that.
Unless you have been able to find your way back to the light within you, you will live in fear. No matter what you were brought up to believe. Whatever our culture, religion, race or creed, the moment we leave the womb, we begin to lose that light.
As children, we are closer to it, but as we learn that certain behaviours are not acceptable, we gradually go into a state of fear.
I decided that I would like to tell my story of how I came back into the light after the first two-thirds of my life living in fear. Coming back into that light started at the age of around 38 years. As I write this, I am in my 73rd year. I am still on my journey towards that light, but it is certainly much brighter now.
I want you to understand that I am writing this in the spirit of forgiveness and enlightenment. During my later years in life, I was able to see that everyone involved in my life was there for a purpose. For their journey as well as mine.
All of us in this life, are part of Gods experience on earth and in the Universe. We live, love and learn through these experiences and we need to forgive one another simply in love. That does not mean that we condone what someone else has done, but to understand that they are coming from a place in their experience in life.
My experience and many others as children and when we are older is that sin is something we do that others close to us or in authority over us, do not approve of. For whatever reason, whether it is their beliefs, religion or even their own insecurities.
Religious Authorities can be fear mongering. In former times, they had a very strong hold on people’s lives. But in these days of instant information, we do not need to be in a place where we blindly follow what they say without questioning it.
My story is coming from a dark place of Narcissistic teaching, which bred a few generations of people like myself who mistakenly believed that they were the only ones who would get it right, and if you did not do as they said, then you went to Hell.
My Lovely Mum has spent the whole of her life living in fear of her and her loved ones never being good enough. We needed to accept Jesus as our personal Saviour. Heaven was where you went if you did that.
You must not wear trousers if you were female, you must not smoke, drink alcohol, swear, wear makeup or go to the cinema. You must not have sex before marriage. You must not go anywhere that you could not take Jesus with you. You must go to church three times on a Sunday, go to Sunday School, not play out on a Sunday. My life as a child was controlled by these beliefs.
In my older years and as I learn about the real meaning of love and grace, I am coming from a place where I have forgiven the people who taught the doctrines and beliefs included in my life because I now understand that they did not know any different. I thank God that I am living in the age of the internet and many books that I have been able to study and find out my truth for myself.
In my early thirties I was also to encounter another church which re-enforced these beliefs.
My truth may not be other peoples’ truth, but I know the truth for me because I have a knowing deep down inside that almost hurts in a physical way. There is a difference between believing something and knowing it. Especially when something resonates with me and sends me back to the places, people, and environments that I describe.
In turn, the churches that still practice these older beliefs, call the enlightenment that is happening in the world through the teachings of people such as Caroline Myss, Wayne Dyer, Neale Donald Walsh, The Course in Miracles, Marianne Williamson and others, “New Age Stuff” which they believe is of the devil.
I still get days when I am depressed and weary, but this is part of the human experience isn’t it?
I want people, especially my children and their children’s children, to know how the genetic inheritance of those disempowering beliefs, affected me and countless others, especially women. Not only the teachings of the Pentecostal movement but the charismatic movement of the seventies and house churches.
I want this book to show how the damage to my Psyche and my soul and spirit, affected my choices and outlook in life, but also how I have at last healed from it, and continuing on the journey of life staying healed and free.
A lot is written about narcissistic parents, partners and spouses, but not about the thousands of people brought up and taught by many churches; that they are worthless without being “Saved.”
Among the hundreds of books that I have read, I found these; “Will I ever be good enough?” “Why is it always about me?” and “God is not a Christian, nor a Jew” by Carlton Pearson.
When I read the words of Carlton, my heart leapt with joy that at last, I had come across someone who understands what I have been thinking all of my life. Carlton was brought up in the Pentecostal church and became a Bishop. It is amusing to hear him describe his everyday life, thoughts, and feelings as a child, growing up in this environment and having the beliefs of fundamental Christianity thrust onto him.
In The Gospel of Inclusion also by Carlton Pearson, I feel so connected to his experience and his vision and he uses the Christmas song;
You better not shout, You better not cry,
You better watch out I’m telling you why;
Santa Claus is coming to town.
Likening Santa to the judgment day.
My Grandmother believed that for every sinner she saved, there would be an added diamond in her crown of glory when she gets to heaven. How sad is that? I don’t know where it says that this happens in the Bible.
My life as a child was just like that. I was never good enough in any way. I continued living this pattern right through my first marriage up until around the age of forty.
For the last thirty years, there has been a gradual dawning that I am good enough, and I did not need all those trappings from those crappy teachings.
We are all born with the light in our lives, and we need to recognise that it is already there. We are Valuable just as we are. I was brought up to believe that I needed an outside force to “make me good” and it was all about the life to come, not the one that we have on earth.
We do need to be Christ-like however. That is what Jesus was; a Christ-like man. His teachings are inspirational and true, and He said that He was the light. We all have that light within us as Marianne said in the quote above.
I also want to show that narcissism can be inherited, not only from parents and grandparents but from these awful teachings. My mother, bless her, internalised the message that she was not good enough, after her mother before her, and her mother before her again. Then handed down to our generation, having dire effects on my brother and myself. And we both know others that experienced that.
The main aim in life for my grandmother’s family and then Mum was to convert people to what they thought was the only way that was right.
There was a lot of damage done, but I hope that I can show you the way that I have been able to overcome and heal from it. The outcome is that in my older years, I can enjoy what is left of my life, knowing that the chain of narcissism is broken.
I can remember saying during the last days of being involved with any church that I believed that the teachings of the church, limited God. I knew without being told or reading about it, that God is the Universe. He is all around us, in us, through us and that we are part of Him so therefore we too are God.
I realise now that those thoughts were authentic and came from somewhere deep inside me. I knew the truth then, but it was not until many years later that I was to realise that they were the first stirrings of my soul wanting to go on this great adventure.
We often hear about how we attract things to us; we are living the life we are living because of choices. We all make choices, and we have to live with them. And that is true, but how many of us make choices as an informed decision? Many of our decisions or choices are based on previous experience, beliefs, or fears.
How many of us are in touch with our inner selves, or God, or Source? How many of us are aware that we need to make choices from our heart or intuition?
I made bad choices and good ones. But we need to be aware of the reasons why we make certain choices, and if they are based on our beliefs, past experiences, and fear of what may happen if we do or don’t, they can often be a choice that brings pain and grief.
I made many choices in my life, out of low self-esteem, my fear, and my past.
I want this book to open the eyes of the reader and many of those who have been hurt or damaged by narcissistic influences, from not only parents and ancestors but the false teachings of the type of churches that influenced me and many others.
My book is a historical document as well as a legacy, and following generations may be interested to see what these times were like from an “ordinary” persons’ point of view. But the question is, “Am I ordinary?” Well, that is for you to find out as you read this!
I want people to know what I learned from these stages in my life too. My feelings at the time, and looking back with hindsight, the lessons, beliefs, and customs that I built from them.
My aim is to tell people who have been hurt, or are even now still caught in the trap of these narcissistic teachings, that “Knowing the Truth will make you free.”
There is healing, forgiveness, love and grace and it is there waiting for you to receive them. And they are all unconditional.
See this post also: A Heretic?
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